Just writing that feels beyond surreal. Two bloody years. Two years of no hangovers, no toxic shame, no self disgust, no ‘am I an alcoholic and if I am how the actual fuckety fuck will I ever manage to stop drinking?!’ 3am anxiety spirals. Two years of freedom from all that shit, living my very best life. I always seem to feel the need to qualify my blogs with the statement ‘my life isn’t perfect now’ which is silly really because of course it isn’t. My problematic drinking was the worst thing in my life but it wasn’t the only negative, or potentially negative thing I’ve ever had to face. But let’s go back to that first statement, shall we? My problematic drinking was the WORST thing in my life by miles and it’s gone, it’s completely gone from my life forever – YIPPEEE! So today I wanted to share with you my 24 essentials of sobriety, one for each month of my glorious sober freedom.
1. Do all you can to get your mindset in the right place. This takes constant work at first but you genuinely can change your brain, you can change how you perceive alcohol and eventually this becomes effortless and you will no longer want to drink. How amazing is that? I would recommend starting with a great big quit lit binge, I read nothing else for my first six months.
2. Find something non alcoholic you really enjoy drinking so you can have something to drink that feels like a treat at wine o’clock. For me I love either an AF spirit like Ceder’s or Seedlip with tonic or a Fevertree ginger beer. And my sobriety is literally built on tea of all kinds.
3. Connect with other sober people as soon as possible and as often as possible. Early sobriety can be a really lonely place and the difference it makes having a sober crew in your corner, whether that’s face to face or online, is just immense. For me that was www.soberistas.com but there are so many options out there now.
4. Try to separate out that addictive voice in your head which will start clamouring for a drink sooner or later. I call mine the wine witch (I should perhaps say called because I’m sure as I can be about anything that ding dong the witch is dead). There are tons of options though – Belle Robertson (Tired of Thinking About Drinking) calls it Wolfie, a good one I heard recently on Instagram (@thegaysober) is Frenemy Frank. Gin Genie, Lager Lucifer, call it whatever the hell you like really but separate it out from your true self, because it’s just a mindless beast who wants to be fed, it does not have your best long term interests at heart, however convincing and rational it might sound at the time. Any thought that suggests you should have a drink is the wine witch and should be told in no uncertain terms to do one.
5. With this in mind, beware of Fading Affect Bias. This is the brain’s natural tendency to remember good things and forget the bad. Which is brilliant for many things, not least living happy lives not consumed by past mistakes, but when it comes to addiction it ain’t so helpful. It’s what causes the ‘oh you weren’t THAT bad’ thoughts that creep in after few days/weeks of sobriety. But what’s brilliant is that if you’re aware of it then you can catch it out! For more info see William Porter’s Alcohol Explained and also the Love Sober girls did an episode on this recently.
6. Don’t panic that your social life is gone for ever. You might feel like a hermit at first, when you are battling through those early weeks. But once you start to feel like it might be achievable to go out and not be completely miserable, start saying yes to things. For me, once I started dipping my toe in the social waters again I found so many enormous benefits to sober socialising (not least the total absence of blackout fear), I was soon back out there with the best of them and loving both my evening out and my smug drive home, not to mention my gorgeous, hangover free morning after.
7. Find something to do that doesn’t involve drinking. That’s it really. For me it was, and still very much is, choir singing and writing. Augusten Burroughs says that you have to find something you want to do more than you want to drink. What might that something be for you?
8. Exercise if you can. It is by such a long way the best natural mood booster I’ve found and an essential part of both my sobriety and mental health toolkits. As my lovely friend Kate (Love Sober) says, if I do it I’m all right. If I don’t, I’m not. It really is that simple. For me I first went back to the two things I’ve dabbled with for years (running and yoga) and marvelled at how both have really taken off now I can afford them some proper time and focus. I can now run for 13 miles (ok with a bit of walking) and touch my toes – both seemingly impossible feats this time two years ago. And I’m now branching out a bit too, I’ve just bought a bike and I’m loving it!
9. Be aware of advertising, marketing and product placement of booze. Try to get angry about it rather than depressed – there’s not a thing wrong with you that you ‘can’t’ drink that toxic shit which is being deliberately pushed in your face, especially as a woman (sorry guys but it’s currently true), for the financial benefit of people who are far, far richer than you already. Once you see how deliberately booze is pushed by manufacturers and retailers in so many different ways you can’t unsee it, and you can’t believe it took you so long to see it.
10. Embrace the joy of the sober treat. Yes that includes ‘unhealthy’ food. Yes that includes spending money on pointless, commercial crap that makes you happy even if that happiness is only temporary. You don’t have to live a perfect, serene life just because you quit drinking, especially at first. Anything that makes your brain’s reward centres light up, except alcohol and other addictive drugs (and no I do NOT count sugar as one of those), is still on the table as far as I’m concerned. I particularly recommend honeycomb magnums.
11. Work on being kind to yourself above all else. I spent a lot of time in my early sobriety beating myself up for all the things I was doing to stay sober, especially the food I was eating. When I finally (after listening to the brilliant and fabulously named intuitive eating coach Isabel Foxen Duke on the Home podcast) decided that I was done with diets and binned my bathroom scales once and for all, it represented a bloody enormous shift for me in terms of my own self care and self compassion. And now no foods are forbidden to me I actually find I’m naturally gravitating to healthier options at least as much as not (ahem, if we gloss over an enormous premenstrual sugar binge last week). As sober people we spend a LOT of awake and aware time in our own heads so let’s try to make then friendly and kind places to be.
12. Mindfulness is so important. Gaining some modicum of control over the swirling, over-emotional mess that used to be the contents of my mind has been the making of my current level of (relative) sanity as well as my sobriety. For me mindfulness means regularly practising yoga and meditating for ten minutes or so to the Calm app most days. But there are many ways to be mindful. A walk can be a mindfulness exercise if you use the time to focus on the now, what you can see, hear, smell and feel, and you make an effort to bring your mind back to that if it wanders. Spending time in the now regularly changes your brain, it honestly does. For your reading list about the benefits of meditation: Tara Brach, Pema Chodron and Sogyal Rinpoche.
13. You will be needing some boundaries. If you’re anything like me your boundaries probably need a bit of reconstruction (ongoing maintenance of anything is hard when you’re pissed half the time). Practice saying no to things. Practice saying no when the person you’re saying it to may not be entirely pleased about that. Obviously don’t go out of your way to be a dick, but you deserve your care and attention more than anyone. Protect yourself from people who don’t respect that. Try to do it without hardening. Open, gentle heart – big fucking fence (Danielle LaPorte).
14. You are gaining so much time and energy. How will you use it? Is there a dream you always wished you’d followed? I almost dropped out of my law degree to change to psychology. I almost did an OU psychology degree when I left my last job as a solicitor. Now finally I am studying counselling (another degree was financially a step too far and, frankly, entirely unnecessary seeing as I have a masters), loving it and have a clear vision of how this will develop into a business that will support people dealing with trauma, addiction and mental health issues and it feels really, REALLY exciting. And I turned 42 two days ago, work full time and have two young kids. Sober superpowers open so many doors!
15. Think how kids get their highs and do more of those things. If you have kids this is obviously easier but anyone can go to a theme park or do any number of adrenaline fuelled activities which are so much more fun than lying on a sofa drinking wine.
16. Never stop delighting in the small gifts of your sobriety, as in a way they are also the biggest. Getting into bed with brushed teeth every single night. A delicious cup of coffee at 7am before the rest of the family surface. Being able to pick your kids up unexpectedly on a Friday night or drive someone to A&E. Going for a run first thing the morning after a meal out (I LOVE that one). Moments with loved ones, or in nature, or anywhere really, when you’re really, truly present.
17. Get out into nature, the more awe inspiring the better. Feeling awe is a scientifically proven way to be more happy (Science of Happiness online course, EdX). And the natural world always makes me feel so very grateful to be sober so I can fully appreciate it.
18. Try not to play the comparison game. Especially with other sober people. We are all fighting the same battle, and there’s no way of doing that that’s better than any other, as long as it works for the individual. Staying sober each day, every day is as successful as sobriety gets. And don’t buy in on the social media gloss, which exists even in the sobriety community. I’ll let you into a secret here, because she released her book at the exact time I had the idea to write mine, I’ve spent ages feeling envious of Catherine Gray and letting her well-deserved success as a writer make me feel shitty about my own dreams. Until I saw her on Loose Women and realised simultaneously that 1. I have no desire WHATSOEVER to be that publicly visible even if I do get my book published and 2. I’m so bloody glad she does and is willing to go out there and fly the sober flag for us all.
19. For the first 18m at least prepare, prepare and prepare some more for sober firsts. Take a selection of your favourite AF drinks to parties in a massive clinking bag (if you ring ahead some pubs and restaurants are also happy for you to bring something in, I’ve done it), take AF drinks in your suitcase on holiday, visualise ahead to getting into bed happy and sober at the end of a night out, send SOS messages to sober friends, plan your escape routes, think about how you will while away the interminable time you’re faced with at sober weddings (taking pictures worked for me). And remember it won’t always be that way, you will get back to a point where going out is just fun, no planning required.
20. Develop an awareness of what emergency self care means for you and come back to those things as needed. You will forget to self care, everyone does, but you will get to a point where you can spot quickly when you are stretching yourself too thin and putting the needs of others above your own. My brilliant friend Mandy (Love Sober) is so good at knowing when she needs to retreat into her woman cave as she calls it. We all need to regroup and restore sometimes and the quicker we spot the need, the more effective our practices will be.
21. Don’t worry about telling people about your sobriety. No one is going to put you under any pressure EVER to make a big announcement. Tell people whatever story you want about why you stopped drinking. As long as you’re clear in your own mind about why you stopped and you’re not fooling yourself then it honestly doesn’t matter what you tell people, it’s not their business. You might want to be more and more open about it as time goes on though, I felt that shift at 18 months and pretty much until that point I never thought I would want to.
22. Celebrate your milestones. The ten day ones even at first. You are doing something that the vast majority of western adults, however much they would say they don’t have a problem, would never consider doing in a month of Sundays. Which makes you an awesome, badass warrior which is worth regularly celebrating, yes?
23. Accept that some of your relationships may change. Know that this is because you are becoming more truly your authentic self. I won’t say that therefore if relationships break down then that’s for the best because it might be heartbreaking and horrible, and who am I to make that judgement for you. But for myself, the person I am now most afraid to lose (my kids excepted) is the person I have become.
24. Trust the evolution of your own journey. You know you are on the right path, you don’t need to know exactly where it goes, just enjoy the ride (and be prepared to buckle up when it gets bumpy for a bit).
I am sending so much love to you all. Stopping drinking has enabled me to escape from an ever worsening nightmare of addiction and mental illness into a life that is better than I could have possibly imagined. And I would not be sober without my sober family. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I am honestly writing this with a happy tear in my eye and so much love, peace and happiness in my heart. And I am not special. I’m no expert. I didn’t do a university degree in how to stop drinking. All I did was tell myself I wouldn’t drink no matter what, clung on to Soberistas like a life raft and was very open to learning and building my sober tools as I went along. Which, as it turns out, is all it takes.
Lots of love
Julia xxx
I absolutely love this list! This has described my journey to a ‘T.’ Thank you for sharing!