This is why I feel lucky to be where I am now, with the exact history I have.
I would honestly say (from the perspective of 18 months sober) that in stopping drinking I have found my true self and found my best life. I spent most of my adult life worried about my drinking, feeling ashamed of my behaviour when I drank, feeling like it was a dirty secret and feeling terrified that I was an alcoholic and would have to stop drinking. I have no idea what it would be like to be a ‘normal’ drinker as I’ve never been one.
But then I’m also not sure I know any. I know people who don’t like alcohol that much so only really drink to be polite. And I know people who have to exert effort and make adjustments to their life to manage their alcohol intake to a greater or lesser extent. Alcohol is an addictive drug and anyone who takes it risks becoming addicted. There is no such thing as a ’normal’ drinker, that is a cultural construct which is massively fuelled and supported by the alcohol industry (who for example provide the vast majority of the funding for the Drinkaware charity which promotes moderation above abstinence – hmmmm I wonder why that might be?).
So, do I envy people who drink alcohol? Definitely not – they are either doing something they are not that fussed about (in much the same way as I would put a bet on the Grand National – perhaps a gambling addict would envy my normalness there but my ability to do that adds a big fat zero to my life), or they are giving up headspace to control an addictive substance and, at best, playing with fire and slightly harming their physical and mental health for the sake of a temporary high which is always cancelled out by a corresponding low afterwards.
Do I wish I had never become addicted? Definitely not. In the process of becoming addicted and getting sober I have learned a ludicrous amount about myself, made loads of truly awesome friends who enrich my life so much and taken absolutely enormous strides towards a better life for myself in terms of my work, my relationships, how I treat myself, everything. It was a gift, truly. Although it did not feel like that in the first six months AT ALL!
Do I wish there was a magic potion that made bad times better and good times more fun? Sure, who wouldn’t, but alcohol ain’t it in any shape or form. A life without alcohol is not, as I so feared it would be, a half life. I realise now that the half life for me was my drinking life (and bear in mind I was for the most part a very high functioning ‘grey area’ drinker). To others my Day 1 probably looked like I was just chilling out at home and recovering from a heavy night (OK there may have been some crying) but inside I was broken, it was a total dark night of the soul.
It’s not easy at first but sobriety is honestly wonderful. You’ve absolutely got to accept though that ‘moderating’ isn’t a thing – people either naturally drink moderately (and may not do so for the rest of their life) or they don’t. And if you don’t it’s just not worth the risk and effort involved in trying to control it. If you‘re here then chances are alcohol has caused some pretty crappy things to happen in your life. But that’s ok, you don’t lose any single thing by not being able to drink ‘normally’ because now you get to discover the wonderful and totally unexpected world of sobriety, which means you’ve already won.
