It’s not you, it’s them

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The longer I’m sober the more frustrated I become at this idea of the ‘normal’ drinker. Despite everything we now know about the detrimental effects alcohol has on health, the language of sobriety and recovery still abounds with it.

This is my take on that now, from the perspective of 20 months sober, with a vastly happier and more meaningful life to show for those 20 months.

1. It is not normal to drink alcohol. It just isn’t. Alcohol is a carcinogenic, neurotoxic, addictive drug. This isn’t hyperbole, it’s scientifically proven fact. I’m not saying this because of sour grapes, because I’m a genetically doomed alcoholic, jealous of people who can drink ‘normally’. I’m saying it because despite what society (and by society in this context I really mean the marketing departments of alcohol producers) has led us to believe, consuming any drug is not an essential part of being a ‘normal’ human.

2. What is entirely normal is to have a desire to numb pain. Our bodies naturally work that way, releasing natural pain killers when we injure ourselves. Not everyone who drinks will necessarily be consciously drinking for this reason but that is ultimately why everyone drinks. People drink because it feels good (until it doesn’t). And the worse you feel to start with, for whatever reason (brain chemistry, hormonal balance, personality, past trauma, life circumstances) the more vulnerable you will be to that. And we all know it. It’s why most of us will give money to a homeless person even if we think they will most likely spend it on booze or drugs, because we can see how truly shitty their life circumstances are and have a desire to help them feel better, however they choose to get through the night. And someone’s outward circumstances are not always a good indicator of how much they want to numb the sharp edges of reality. To the world I’m sure I looked like someone living a happy life – good job, husband, kids, lovely home. And yet I had, I still have, a strong urge to numb, a desire for comfortable fuzziness over sharp awareness. That to me is the only difference between someone who is drinking without significant adverse effects and people who are not – how much and how often they want to escape their sober reality.

3. There is a growing body of scientific evidence that shows just how harmful alcohol consumption is. Eventually, just like with tobacco before it, the tipping point will be reached and it will no longer be seen as an essential part of ‘normal’ adult life to drink. I honestly believe this will happen. And I want it to happen, not because it bothers me being around people drinking, not because I think ‘if I can’t do it no one should be able to do it’, but because I no longer believe alcohol benefits anyone and I think of the millions of people who, just like me, will have tortured themselves for years with the idea that they should be able to manage something which, for them, is entirely unmanageable. It was the ‘should’ that tormented me about my drinking. When I smoked and was trying to quit it was hard but it didn’t devastate my self esteem in the same way as my worries about my drinking did. And I think about my daughters, who may well have inherited aspects of their physical, chemical and psychological make up from me that will make them more vulnerable to becoming addicted to alcohol if they drink heavily. And I hope the change will come in their lifetimes and they never have to go through the mental agonies I did because they believe they should be able to drink ‘normally’.

4. So much of what we believe about the benefits of alcohol consumption is a direct result of advertising and marketing. In other words, we don’t believe this stuff because it’s true, we believe it because it makes us buy the product. I read something recently that really struck a chord with me in terms of my spending and financial management (one of the many things I can now get to grips with properly now I’m sober): if there is an advert for something it means we don’t need it. A bit mindblowing right? But obviously true if you think about it. And in terms of the impact of alcohol advertising on how we view drinking as a society, a look at the history of tobacco advertising is extremely telling. People used to believe smoking was ‘normal’ too. And when they did, it was legal for adverts to encourage this perception. The campaign that I found the most interesting was for Winston cigarettes, which played into so many of the psychological vulnerabilities the alcohol industry target today including the collective female desire for empowerment and emancipation. Google it and you’ll see what I mean.

5. We might be led to believe that we’re not being affected by alcohol advertising because overt advertising is pretty restricted, but the alcohol industry now has society at large doing the vast majority of its marketing for it. The macho culture of beer drinking, the intellectual snobbery of ‘fine’ wines and ‘craft’ beers, the Mummy gin/wine culture, social media, blogs, product placement in all types of media, the way alcohol is displayed in supermarkets. And the awful catch 22 is that consumption of the product itself actually makes you less mentally capable of picking up on all of this, I can absolutely testify to that from my own experience. And always remember that the alcohol industry would lose out big time if everyone drank within the recommended guidelines (£13 billion just in the UK to be exact, according to a 2018 study by the Institute of Alcohol Studies). So it is in the vested interests of those who are pushing alcohol as a ‘normal’ part of adult life not only for us to drink but for us to drink at significantly harmful levels.

So, wherever you are in your adventure into sobriety, please, please stop torturing yourself with the idea that you are not normal. Or that you should be able to drink alcohol. Yes some of us are more susceptible to the effects of alcohol and other drugs than others. But for my own part I see that now as a gift. I am glad I got to the point where I was no longer able to drink, because that forced me to stop doing the thing that everyone does without even thinking about why, which in turn brought me face to face with some startling truths about myself and about the society we live in. And now I honestly, with every cell in my being, feel grateful every day that I no longer have to drink.

Sober is normal, and I am so glad I got to rediscover that, after so long living in a booze soaked dream world.
Author of Sober Positive, out now in paperback and e-book format on Amazon. Loving sobriety since 19 February 2017. Novice yogi, very slow runner, choir singer, counselling student, Netflix binger, active sugar and coffee addict. Stays up too late and spends too much time on social media.

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