Image credit: Instagram @stacieswift
I had one of those ‘wait, whaaaaat?’ moments this weekend, which are still fairly frequent visitors in my sobriety even this close to two years in (two years, I can’t even begin to start processing that yet!). As usual for me at this time of year I had a hectic weekend planned with lots of fun stuff, doing stuff with OH and the kids, stuff for me, stuff with friends. They were all things I really wanted to do, but when I woke up on Sunday morning I felt tired and lack lustre. What had originally been a ‘hell yes’ about my plans had turned into a ‘hell no’ in the event. The thought of spending all day at an introduction to coaching course and then seeing a band I love with some of my best mates would normally sound like a pretty awesome day to me. But I just couldn’t get myself off the sofa to get dressed. All I wanted was to sit there with my coffee and just be for a bit.
Now in days gone by I wouldn’t have listened to the part of me saying ‘rest, breathe, sit’. I would have been up and out, dashing around, hyped up on too much caffeine, probably arriving late to the course, certainly taking very little of it in. And then in the evening, dashing around again, in for a quick tea and kiss the girls goodnight, get changed with a glass of wine on the go, several if I could manage it, taxi out, lots more booze, blackout descends, I may have watched a band but couldn’t swear to it and end up weeping with exhaustion in a corner at closing time with my friends having to look after me and make sure I got home safely. Grim.
But now my mind is a quieter place and I could hear the voice saying ‘what you need today is to dial it right back, take it slowly, rest and recharge’. And I did. I cancelled all my plans. I went to Tesco and bought some supplies then made vegetable soup and gluten free cheese scones (which were a total unexpected triumph btw) . I hung out in my PJs with my girls. I meditated. I went to bed and read my book. And when I woke up yesterday I felt sooooo much better. I felt like I had looked after myself and I thought ‘OMG I can really take care of myself, like, dare I say it, an actual proper grown up!’. I’m not sure when or why I missed the memo on this one (probably in the pub) but it honestly has taken me to the age of 41 and getting sober to work this shit out.
And it’s made me realise that my sobriety journey is part of something bigger. It’s the most important part, the bedrock on which all the rest of it sits, but it’s just the beginning. My journey encompasses self care, healing from trauma, recovery from mental illness and moving towards a life that aligns with my most basic needs. I like the Buddhist concept of dharma (loosely translated as your life’s purpose) and I feel like this is where I’m going now, towards the true purpose of my life, because I’m not spending a lot of time and energy fruitlessly trying to anaesthetise the pain that is an inevitable part of life.
I still don’t have all the answers (does anyone?). But sobriety has given me clarity. The clarity to see how to take care of myself, how to recover my equilibrium, how I want to be spending my time. It feels authentic and right. I don’t feel ashamed of any of it. I don’t sacrifice my basic needs for others, not even my kids – I put my own oxygen mask on first. It feels good. It feels like peace, at last.
