Flying free for three and a half years

A few things have prompted this blog. My 3.5 year soberversary. A holiday I’ve just had with my daughters to Cornwall all on my own which has been the biggest boost you can imagine to my sober single mum confidence. A friend who has reached out to me recently and asked me why my life is better sober – like why specifically. An awesome sobriety meeting with The Luckiest Club which was focused on how important it is to be real with ourselves about all of it, especially right now. The shitty days, the mental health nosedives, the disappointments, the losses, the days that feel like the universe saying a big fuck you right in your face. And an Amazon review of Sober Positive from a reader who felt I was ‘trying too hard to justify my choice’ (and that I swear too much #sorrynotsorry). And it all got me thinking. Why am I so positive about sobriety? Why is my life so much better?

It’s not something I spend much time thinking about at the moment. I just know it. I know it right down to my roots. But I also know I’m not in the business of peddling some sort of toxic sober positivity where pain is dismissed, challenges are ignored and owning up to having a shit show of a day is forbidden because we’re all sunshine and light here don’t you know. Getting sober was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. But once I made the mental shift from ‘can’t drink’ to ‘don’t drink’ it was like I found the key to an invisible prison I’d lived in my whole life.

As of last Wednesday I am three and a half years sober. If my sobriety was a child it would be having conversations, running, jumping, climbing and asserting its independence in none too bashful ways on a daily basis. I’ve been sober for so long now that it’s actually hard to remember the before clearly. And my life is certainly far from perfect. I am not always happy, I am not always calm, I am not always grateful, I am not always peaceful. So why am I so convinced my sober life is better than my life before? Because in that life too I was not always miserable, I was not always stressed, I was not always resentful, I was not always in turmoil.

This is why.

1. I trust myself. I used to have a lot of self- emotions. Self-disgust, self-loathing, self-shame. Self-trust however was not remotely in the picture. I couldn’t even trust myself to have three drinks instead of ten when I had a good reason just to have three after all. I couldn’t trust myself to go home at the time I said I would. I couldn’t trust myself to have wine only on weekend nights, or only when I went out, or only drink beer or never mix wine and vodka or any of the other increasingly complicated systems I imposed on myself to try to moderate my drinking. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it despite the people I was letting down, the impact on my work, even my kids. I couldn’t trust myself. And so I hated myself. Now I have this bedrock of trust in myself and it is the best thing I have ever discovered in my life. That’s why it’s number one on the list. It’s what enabled me to take my daughters to Cornwall for a week All On My Own. I trusted myself to drive us there safely. I trusted myself not to lose either of them, even the entirely feral 4 year old who I have now nicknamed The Bolter due to her behaviour on said holiday. I resorted to writing my phone number on her thigh in Sharpie every day in the end, although thankfully this precaution was never actually needed. I trusted myself to be with them 24/7 unassisted for a week and not completely lose my shit with them. I trusted myself to plan and deliver a 7th birthday worthy of my gorgeous big girl on our last day (and it was). I trust myself. And that means I can do anything. It’s fucking priceless.
   
2. I am present for the whole of my life. When I drank my life was happening to me while I was busy making other plans (involving wine). I tolerated things. I wished things away. Even things which on paper you would think I would want to be present for. Like story time with my daughters (just go to fucking sleep, there’s a bottle of sauv with Mummy’s name on it downstairs), nights out with my lighter drinking friends or on the ridiculously rare occasions I was driving (urgh when I can go home and have a proper drink?) and daytime activities on holiday (is it too early for a G and T yet?). By saying this I don’t want you to think my life is one unrelenting stream of sunshine and rainbows because of course it isn’t, but I often have the thought now that I get to feel at any time how I only used to feel when drinking. Joy is accessible to me at the most random times, like singing Disney songs on the M6 with my daughters, like sipping coffee on a precious early morning before anyone else is up, like curling up with my littlest (the only time she’s still) reading picture books at bedtime. It’s not all the time but it can be at any time, not just post 4pm Thurs-Sun. And I no longer feel like I’m pissing my life away – all the ups and downs of my life, every moment good, bad and indifferent. I’m here for it.
   
3. I create things. Writing, music, photo collages, terrible quote art. Experiences for me and my daughters. A new career path for myself. The things I create are very specific to me so I didn’t want to use my book, for example, as a reason my life is better (although obviously it really is for lots of reasons). But it’s creativity that’s at the heart of all of it and sobriety gives you the time and mental bandwith to let yours flourish. And who knows where that will take you? It’s what makes me feel so endlessly excited about my sober future. It’s what makes sobriety truly feel like flying.
   
4. I have infinitely more love in my life. I have better relationships with everyone I love. My parents, my friends, my daughters. I have so many more friends, some of whom are among the best I’ve ever had in my life. I have communities of support with real human connection which are about the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed. And they’re honestly not exclusive or cliquey. If you join these communities you can have this connection too. They won’t all be for everyone in terms of ethos and so on but I honestly believe that the one thing every single sober community, from AA to Instagram, has in common is that if you are struggling with your drinking you will find solidarity, friendship and true connection there.
   
5. I have clarity on what I want. The difference between the amount of clarity you have as a heavy drinker and the amount you have in sobriety is akin to suddenly getting x-ray vision for your life. Since getting sober I have got really clear on my goals, my relationships, my parenting, how I spend my free time – all of it. And as a result I’ve achieved more in the last three years than in the three decades prior. I’d spent so long saying ‘oh I’ll write a book one day, I’d really love to, I just don’t have the time’. I spent years regretting my choice to stick with my law degree when I really wanted to switch to psychology and become a psychotherapist. I knew in my heart my marriage wasn’t working but I figured I’d made my bed and should just make the best of it. Sobriety makes it impossible to live an intolerable life. Which is not always easy but it’s always, always worth it.
   
6. I have my shit together. Boring self-care like keeping up with dental appointments, smear tests, bill paying, household and car maintenance? I’m all over it. Work – I’ve basically got two jobs now and am working towards a third and my bank balance is very happy about that. And I manage my money! This is still very much a work in progress and I won’t profess to be debt free as this would be a big fat lie but gone are the terrified moments of unexpected expenses going out making me go ‘shiiiiiiit’, never again will a supermarket cashier take a massive pair of scissors and cut my bank card in half in front of me (true story), I am no longer afraid to check my balance because I already know what it is. I remember birthdays and anniversaries, I remember what my friends and kids have got going on, I remember what happened the previous evening. My home is clean, my car is serviced, my children are happy. I am someone people can rely on, at any time of the day or night.
   
7. I have inner peace. Yeah, yeah I know it’s a sobriety cliche. But it’s real and it’s good. I meditate, I practise yoga. I can sit with my feelings. I can separate myself from my emotions. This might not seem like a massive deal for some people but believe me it’s HUGE for me.
   
8. I no longer live in fear or shame. I started with a biggie and will end with a biggie. I used to live under a constant cloud of shame at my drinking behaviour and fear that I might be an alcoholic which to drinking me equalled life over. Now that cloud has gone forever. I lived with it for so long I acclimatised to it. I didn’t even realise it was there. Like an annoying noise that goes on so long you get used to it, and don’t notice it until the sweet relief you feel when it stops. Except this noise was in my head every waking moment for my whole adult life and it made me hate myself. So sweet relief doesn’t even begin to cover it.

I could go on. But I think that’s probably enough, don’t you? Eight real reasons why my sober life is so much better. Eight reasons why sobriety to me is like flying, like freedom. Like my very best life, the one I’ve been waiting for since my teenage years.

Like the greatest gift, the most enormous achievement and the best decision I ever made.