Well, this feels surreal. When I was about 100 days sober, perhaps not even that, I read a 1000 day blog on Soberistas and just thought ‘wow’. It seemed so impossible, even a few months in to my sobriety, riding high on my pink cloud, that I could ever make this thing stick for the proper long term like that. In this world which loves and glamorises alcohol, living my life which is so privileged in lots of ways but also pretty stressful and full of ‘OMG I need to decompress FAST after that’ moments. I wasn’t planning a relapse or anything but it still just seemed somehow impossible that I could be strong enough, or lucky enough, to get to 1000 days of continuous sobriety.
And yet here I am. 1000 days sober today. I have voluntarily lived for 1000 days of my adult life without drinking. And it doesn’t feel like a finish line, or an outcome. It feels like a beginning, more than anything. I feel like my life began again on 19 February 2017, 1000 days ago today. That I finally woke up from the booze soaked dream I had been living in and figured out, at last, how to best make my own life work for me.
On that day I shook my biggest demon off my back. I learned that I was strong enough to do that. I learned that I could say no to things that didn’t serve me, again and again and again. As my sober life went on I learned lots of other things too. I learned that I was very far from alone in how alcohol affects me. I learned that the sober community are my people and that they – you – are just the most bloody awesome, supportive, interesting, funny, dynamic world shakers I could have hoped to find.
I learned that I love to write and that my writing about sobriety helps people. I learned that I can run a half marathon and survive a 90 minute hot yoga class on a scorching summer day at noon (not one to try at home). I learned that my family and friends truly love me, have my back and are genuinely wonderful people who I am so lucky to have around me. I learned that being alone is far less lonely than being in a relationship which is past saving. I learned that I am a good mum and that I can support myself and my girls, emotionally, practically, financially.
I learned that alcohol is none of the things I thought it was. I learned that drinking, both the ‘big night out’ binges and the constant drip drip of mummy juice wine, made me weaker, negatively affected my mental health, causing anxiety and depression, dulled my wits and dimmed my unique light. It anaesthetised me, nothing more than that. I know this because all the things I thought it brought me – fun, excitement, connection, relaxation, me time – I still have all those things in spades. I have more of them than I ever did.
What I no longer have are all the other delightful things booze brought into my life. I no longer have shame or regret. I no longer have heart palpitations. I no longer have great swathes of memory loss after a night out. I no longer have a gnawing feeling of dread that one day my drinking might cause some sort of awful tragedy in my life. I no longer have a sneaking suspicion that my best years might be behind me.
1000 days sober, 42 years old, newly separated. Someone else might look at my life and think I’ve fucked things up. I fucked up drinking for myself and had to quit. I fucked up my marriage. I don’t see it like that. I’ve made some dodgy decisions in my time for sure. But I honestly feel so grateful to be where I am, with my newly open future ahead of me, strong and safe in my sobriety, ready to take on the next chapter.
In the early days it’s so hard to imagine what it will be like, to be effortlessly sober. Just trust me when I say, it is well worth the wait and the work it takes to get there. There are ups and downs, twists and turns. But just keep going. Whatever it takes, just keep on banking those sober days. That’s all I ever did. Fundamentally, getting from putting my feet on the floor in the morning to climbing into bed at night without drinking, every single day, is all I ever did. It’s all I had to do to get to this place, this amazing, unbelievable place where 1000 freaking days of sobriety just feels like the beginning.
I also just wanted to say thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has bought the book. It means so much to me, truly. If you have read it and enjoyed it I would be eternally grateful if you could give it a quick Amazon review – it really will help spread the word.
Big love to you all xxxx
